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CLIF Blog

Oct. 31, 2006
Happy Halloween
going corporate (for a day)Dear Fellow Teim Members—(they were wrong, there is an ‘I’ in team)

We wanted to take this opportunity to express what a great job, most of us feel, most of you are doing. Slaying proverbial gorillas, mitigating risk, attacking those action items with vigor, really leveraging your assets in the name of the company, which will, no doubt, at this rate, land us ALL on the same page by late Q2 2007. Which is super.

That said —we’d like to incent you all to give a little bit more—mostly because you have to or you’re out of here. Does that make sense? Of course we’d love to be able to circle back with each of you individually to discuss next steps for success, but we don’t really have time to reach out like that, what with all the really important meetings we have. Not to mention the time we spend shaping our 'guns'. Anyway, we’re really shaken up about it not being able to meet face to face, and stuff. Honestly.

As you may or may not know, we recently hired an independent consultant team of independent consultants that have just finished a real cracker-jack bang-up ‘Redundancy, Productivity, and Redundancy’ study for us. We invested nine months and spent a million dollars for this most recent report, which revealed we’re misspending at least $45,000 (or ‘M’) a year on frivolous investigations. We're pretty sure we're shocked. Still checking on that.

This report also revealed metrics and made recommendations for next steps regarding how we can ALL squeeze a bit more productivity out of a 15-hour work day. If we are to trend up in the industry, EACH of us needs to become a key enabler; an outside-the-box thinker who is willing to own resources, make numbers, and close deals in an on the ball fashion. Such independent thinking—fostered and filtered by a dedicated and somewhat suffocating micromanagement team—stands only to crush our competition. Just because we have no idea who our competition is no reason for alarm. Trust us.

Thanks for listening and have a great day. In celebration of Shalloween, you can all go ahead and take off 5 minutes early today. You have families after all.

Oh and by the way, there will cupcakes, nachos and a mass firing today at 4 o’clock in the auditorium. All inferior performers are welcome.

Ok—back on your heads everyone!! NOW!!

 

Almost Sincerely,

That Guy - and the good people of POD 1

World Domination Department

Motto: "Don't mess with us...we have email AND cell phones."




Happy Halloween from CLIF Bar! Check out more photos from our Halloween celebrations on flickr.com!

 
Posted by:
Swanner
Category:
Office Life
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We like getting our heart rates up, taking a big breath of fresh air, savoring delicious food. But we also love telling stories and here's where we type 'em up. (BTW, it works both ways; leave a comment—please and thank you.)

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